Episode 62 - Whirlwind

I went to see Avenue Q this weekend.  It might be a musical about puppets, but its themes are enough to leave me pensive.  They talked about how everyone is looking for their purpose, but not everyone finds it.  How there is a fine line between love and a waste of time.  And everything in life is only for now.  It hit close to home.  A whirlwind of change is blowing through my life, and the only question plaguing my mind is whether it is for the good, or the better.

I think the reason we’re all looking for our purpose is because people love us for what we have to offer.  And we want to feel loved.  I focus on other people it until becomes a detriment to myself.  I place my value, my worth as a human being, into how they feel about me.  And most of the time, I feel like people don’t really love me—they love how much I love them.

People are ultimately selfish, and I am no exception.  I’d put myself through emotional anguish for the opportunity to win the approval and affection I so desperately crave.  A needy, jealous monster who runs like a coward from conflict, emotionally crippled by the fear of rejection.  Rather than experiencing the joy life offers, I worry myself with what happens when people see through my charade.

Everything in life is only for now, and with the whirlwind raging, I wonder if the storm will blow me away?  What if I’m a puzzle piece that got shuffled into the wrong box?  Am I good for the people around me, or would they would be better off without me?  I am not a necessary component, and the harsh reality of how easily I could be replaced, dismissed, or forgotten makes me think I’ll always feel alone.